Tag Archives: self love

Gratitude Practice Bulls**t

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Self care, mindfulness, gratitude practices…the fad-words of therapy and self improvement. I hate that good things get co-opted and lose meaning when they become trendy.

The gratitude practice thing has been on my mind lately. The way I’ve tended to see it presented: name 3 good things before bed every day! Journal! Etc. Well, the way I see this show up for people is, “I know I should just try to be more grateful,” and “So many people have it worse off, I know I should be happy,” and overall just feeling bad for NOT being grateful, or feeling like a failure when they can’t. I’ve experienced depression. Naming a good thing is different from feeling a good thing, and trying to force it tends to feel like “My feelings are wrong”. How is that supposed to help anything?

I know that, in the long term, if someone can keep up with a journal practice of naming gratitudes like that, it can change a thought process. However, I also know how difficult that can be when you’re not feeling it. Going against the grain, requiring discipline, sometimes these are not really within reach.

What I realized recently, for myself, is to focus on the PRACTICE aspect instead of the GRATITUDE aspect. Instead of forcing the gratitude, if I engage in the things I feel grateful for, I, guess what? FEEL GRATEFUL!

Maybe this is just a repackaging of dopa-mining. While this is a new and growing acknowledged need, at least for people with ADHD, we still have a culture of work-before-play and the concept that discipline and work should come before joy. But if this packaging helps, I’m all for it. Of course it helps a bit that my gratitude practice, running, kinda fits into a “should” as well. Exercise is healthy, I’ve paired it with pickup errands, it’s currently checking off a todo item of a training plan, etc.

By doing a thing I enjoy, the gratitude comes easily. Running has been a gratitude practice for me for decades now, albeit one I haven’t always had access to, and I’ve only just realized it as a gratitude practice. Yes, going through years of NOT being able to run due to chronic illness makes me extra grateful for the sheer fact when I’m out, but it’s not just that. (3 months back and I’m finally past the phase of tearing up every time I’m out.) I glee at the beauty of the big poofy clouds and blue skies. I smile at the ornament someone put on the teeny little bush. I awe at the colors of autumn leaves or spring flowers and the dewdrops on berries that look like little beards. I stop to take a picture of the pickles in the Little Free Rock Library. I wave at neighbors. I feel smug about completing a run before the rain starts. I’m grateful for generous neighbors and laugh at the objects I attempt to run with. I pause to watch the buffleheads dip below the serene pond. I get the endorphins of the running itself, and the influence of the inspiring music on my playlist. The gratitude comes on its own.

A Little Free library, shaped like a house with 4 floors, branch pillars, rocks, and 3D printed pickles.
Little Free Rock Library in my neighborhood

In our capitalistic economy of trade, the impression that sacrifice has to come first, needing to “earn” the ability to feel good is strong. There is a lot of strife in the world today and survivor’s guilt, privilege guilt, might suggest we should lean into suffering. Who am I to be out running in joy instead of out joining protests?

Well, it’s not “instead of”. When I get home from a run, I’ve shaken off stagnation inertia. I feel my own ability to have impact and less helpless. I have a desire to connect. I’ve nourished myself so I have more to give. I’ve had time away from the news to gain perspective that despite suffering, there is peace to be had in glimpses by nature. Me depriving myself of gratitude does not make things better for anyone. On a more personally spiritual side, I have a belief that the creation of joy is its own magic to send positive energy and love into the world.

If you consider creating gratitude instead of finding it, what does that look like for you? Does it make “have a gratitude practice” sound more appealing? How does it connect you with others?

Berries with raindrop beards!

Awesome: May Be Habit-Forming

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This past year, COVID has thrown a lot of people out of routine. Habits can all the more supportive as a point of grounding! A friend of mine told me about “Atomic Habits,” by James Clear, and it enhanced my life more than I expected! Clear offers worksheets on his website that accompany his book. I downloaded them, but haven’t spent time with them, but the book still proved useful in making some habits.

Even without setting habits intentionally, I found two of them naturally emerge and stick. The benefit of simply reading the book brought the topic into mindfulness; I’ve found this true with other productivity books as well. By engaging with the material, I feel inspired. It surprised me how immediate the addition of these actions were! The habits are small, easy, and create an immediate sense of reward. These qualities naturally sustain them. I now have a more welcoming experience as I enter the bedroom, because the bed is made. When I leave the bedroom in the morning, I feel accomplished, in only a handful of minutes! I’ve built motivation to keep racking up the ‘wins’ and maybe even confident enough to tackle some harder tasks.

Clear’s book addresses the role and interplay of identity in habits, which is an astute and useful reminder. It refreshingly takes the habit out of the realm of success or failure (and therefore pressure and shame). In this case, habit tracking apps might have added to a sense of drudgery, and cost me an additional benefit. Instead of introducing a measure to judge my discipline, maintaining these habits gets to be a form of self-love. I now perform daily acts of service to myself and honor the commitment I’ve made, and that brings me joy.

In these tiny ways of aligning my actions with my desired identity, I’m saying I’m worthy of the quality of life the habits offer. Cutting corners can be easy, and when it happens in too many arenas, you lose the shape of life you intended. There are some days where self care feels harder, where life brings daunting challenges. Useful habits won’t prevent that, but they can help build some resiliency to managing big stress, because you’ve built in a system to remind you, “You matter.“

Have you read “Atomic Habits”? If so, what was your experience? Let’s keep talking about it and keeping our habits in focus! I’ll post an update about habits that didn’t stick so easily in the future (unless keeping up blogging is one of them ;) !