I’ve long felt the culture around me has lost sight of the significance of marking rites of passage. I’ve blogged before on the value of Divorce Parties. More recently, in a community I’m in, my teacher* encouraged us to celebrate progress around a project. What did I do to celebrate?…..I fell into tears of grief and sadness!

Difficulty celebrating is not new for me. I cried at my college graduation, not from leaving friends behind or honoring the work I did to graduate a year early with honors, but, because I still felt like I was letting my parents down. There was a leadership award I had not pursued, so I must not have tried my best. I “should have done more to make them proud.”

I’ve come a long way from living my life for others, but the times I’ve leaned into celebrating have often been derailed. I’m a December baby, so birthday celebrations are overshadowed by Christmas. My divorce party was overshadowed by my birthday. The things I’ve been most proud of in my life are not the things my family understand to have value. So celebration has become fraught for me, with anticipation of disappointment or feeling Unseen…and that little voice creeps up to say, “See? You must not deserve it.”

So I had tears, and let that part of me be Seen in the group. I grieved the past times I’ve not been able to celebrate, so I can make room for the joy. It is a reminder that in all transitions, there are both gains and losses. Grief and celebration are two sides of the same coin, honoring rites of passage. Those tears honored the letting go of the fears and impostor syndrome that made the project difficult. Now that that’s done, NOW I can feel the pride of accomplishment and inspiration of the work. Now, I can seize the joy and celebrate, and find amusement in the extra way I had to claim the celebration as Mine with a different timeline. Goodbye strife, congratulations Me on a job well done, with extra credit to boot!

* Gratitude to Francesca de Grandis, for creating a safe space and community and fostering growth and healing!